I worked out at the gym in my small town today. Most people I talk to say they prefer exercising outdoors. I'd rather run and lift weights inside. It's because I use that time to wind down my thoughts. Running outside tears the hell out of my knees, too, but it keeps me distracted. What I need is focus and time to process thoughts while I'm huffing and puffing on the treadmill or on whatever the hell they call that barbell on tracks machine I do leg squats on.
Today's June 1st. It's a Wednesday, and my wife just left town for nine days to grade 1.2 million essays with about 1,200 other teachers. How nuts is that, anyway? Teacher let the monkeys out, and now she's grading strangers' standardized tests in some kind of sweatshop in Louisville. It gives me still more time to process thoughts. We've been so busy lately I can hardly keep up.
So, June 1, a fine time to start a little personal challenge for myself. This post is round one. More to come. While I was dripping sweat into my eyeballs doing leg squats, I realized a few things about this little challenge I had cooked up for myself.
First thing is this: The hardest part about setting a big goal for myself isn't setting the goal. It's putting aside all the other things I have cooked up inside my carousel of a brain. I've been reading a couple things recently about how to go about accomplishing a big goal or accomplish something significant and difficult. The advice is grand. Set a goal, see? Then, just break things down into the steps I need to achieve that goal. I'm over simplifying, but it truly is sound advice. The problem is that I can't settle on one goal.
Second thing is: I beat myself up about this kind of stuff, especially when I don't get anywhere. The reason is pretty damn good, though. I'm already past half way in a big goal, and keep forgetting it. I'm in getting my MBA, while working and having a family. Day by day, it's hard to remember that I've learned a lot, sharpened my critical thinking, and really transformed my role at work over four years. Here's to hoping there's a big payoff down the road for all this effort. But, it comes at a cost, which leads me to ...
The third thing: Creativity atrophies. I can't figure out if it's actually the case that all my focus on job and graduate school actually deadens creative thought, but I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe it's just that I have less time overall. I sure as hell hope that's it. The idea that I've driven off my creative energy and skills terrifies me, to be honest.
And, all of that is why I'm still sitting up with about 70 minutes to spare on day one of my challenge. It's why I'm sitting in the dark typing before I go to bed, and why I'm not already asleep, having rationalized away why this challenge was a silly whim.
So, this is for me. This is a reminder that I don't give half a damn about being able to run a marathon some day, but I'm scared to death I won't have the chops to create, to write something worth reading some day.
I think I decided somewhere in these last few days that I've stopped worrying about what people might think of a guy who has opinions and ideas like mine. What I write here and anywhere else is who I am. The number of people who really have any real sense of that are fewer than I have fingers. But, what's the use of all that? It mostly just makes life a little more lonely. It sure as shit isn't going to make my creative life any better.
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