October devolution

It's harvest time in Iowa, but the sky isn't cooperating. We've had a caravan of clouds rolling west to east for days. It just spits enough rain all the time to keep things damp, but sometimes it comes down hard and pounds the vent outside my bedroom window like an out of tune drum.

I'd like to blame the weather, the lack of sunny days for not keeping up this blog, but I'm not fooling anyone, least of all myself. I haven't wanted to post or do much else for that matter. We're stuck in one hell of a rut at home anymore, and work's a drag.

Three weeks ago, I caught a cold that managed to trickle its way into a nagging, coughing infection. It wore me down, and still traces remain. When I get a cold, things don't taste right. Things just don't taste much at all.

I wish I could blame the cold for all of that. I can't. It's one of those ruts where the flavor is gone from nearly everything. My favorite music doesn't sound right. The house doesn't comfort. I've no urge to read. No drive to create.

This week, I saw an old college buddy for the first time in years. We hadn't changed too much. Still the wry humor. I'd missed him more than I realized, and it got me thinking about other college buddies and friends. It stood in glaring contrast to work, where my friends amount to a hip old hippie who used to be my boss.

And, with that, I knew how many foolish turns I've taken in my work. I chased after a lonely path. I worked for years as "the kid" among a bunch of boomers. I had few peers, and none that I stayed with along that road. Now, I'm the veteran among a bunch of kids, and still have no peers, no pals to counsel and seek counsel from. I say this is foolish because I can see it plainly now, where before it never entered my energetic little brain. I sometimes still find comfort, even pride on quiet lunches and solitary accomplishments.

It's a fool's pride, and now I'm finding out how little I can accomplish. And, how bad I am,  how distrustful of friends in and out of work. My most recent attempts at remedying the situation are either too timid or too insane. There is no happy medium, no exit.